There are moments in my life where I feel as if I could only feel hate and anger. There are moments when I just want to leave everything behind and forget the world. But there are moments in my life where I feel like I can bring about great change if even at the smallest level. It’s a confusing state of mind for me but I’ve come to accept it as my own, my personal little world of chaos and order. I have to admit, most of the time I get flustered by my own seeming lack of inability to control what goes through my mind. However, sometimes, I feel like my mind is at peace and when it is, it is just absolutely amazing. No matter what runs through my mind, it is almost instinctual for me to just show a cold face and try to live life on the outside like a Vulcan.
But I am flustered, I am confused and annoyed at the hectic scatter-brained style of thinking I have. I do my very best to be as rational and collected as I can be but whenever anything happens there is an explosion of scenarios and conversations that bombard my thoughts; most of which are not anywhere close to logical or maybe even ethical. It is scary to me, but I simply cannot control it.
At times it is almost as if I am living my life differently than how I perceive it. As if, I were sitting within my own mind watching as something else does what it wills with my body. So shut away as much as I can, I do whatever it takes to keep this from becoming a reality, at that ends only in a cold and apathetic demeanor. Like a ghost, a shell of who I really am; but that is not me, the real me is something that I fear is a bit too dark and demented for me to bring out. But even then, there are times when I simply cannot hide all of it away and these times are becoming more and more frequent.
When I get angry, even at the littlest things, I tend to get even more angry, not at the original cause but at myself. This hurts, it hurts everyone and everything I care about. In fact, it doesn’t just happen with my anger, it happens with all of my outward emotions; my pain, my sorrow, my joy. But regardless of what I feel, in the end, it usually ends in some form of either sadness or rage or both. The thoughts and emotions I feel within are what I fear to release. I bottle them up like some kind of Pandora’s box; they are demons within me that only I can see and I want to control them but I can’t. I am haunted by them every single day and it only brings me further down into the very pit I’ve made for myself.
I wouldn’t say I have some type of mental disorder, I don’t exactly enjoy that concept. I believe all people have some type of mental issue as it is only natural. I would say that while we all have certain issues, mine are nothing special and yet are very special. They are nothing out of the ordinary for the human experience but from what I have learned and experienced or thought I experienced have made me who I am. It has shaped me to be the man that I am and have been and will be and I could not be hurt by that. I have come to accept these internal demons and I hope that one day they will accept me as well. Because I know when that happens I will not only be the strongest version of myself but also that deep, dark pit within my flustered soul will be no more.